“Should we stay
together for the kids?” This is the question that most parents will ask
themselves as their marriage dissolves. For some,
divorce is the only option.
While the process of divorce and its aftermath can take a huge toll on the
mental health of the parents, it is the children who become its true victims.
اضافة اعلان
Divorce is overwhelmingly
known for its negative impact on families and children. Globally, the
conversation on how divorce affects
children and the detrimental impact it has
on their development is advanced and well researched. In our region, however, we
are still behind.
Statistics
and findings in Jordan
According to a 2020
report issued by the
Supreme Judge Department, Jordan has seen a decrease in
divorce rates; it can be attributed mainly to delayed legal procedures due to
the pandemic. 2020 saw 17,144 cases of divorce compared to 19,241 in 2019. But
while divorce rates are dropping currently, it does not mean that marriages
have become any happier. In fact, the report claims that marital conflicts have
increased during the pandemic.
A 2020 research study
conducted by the
University of Jordan found that Jordanian children are
severely impacted by divorce: their daily life is disrupted, their living
arrangements are altered and their academic performance drops. The study also
found that they experience psychological, emotional, and social problems.
Factors
that affect the way children deal with divorce
What many parents going
through a divorce need to understand is that as they are finding new ways of
relating to each other, their children are also obliged to find new ways to
relate to their parents and the new
parenting styles, which are bound to
change. The reality is that there is no right time to get a divorce. While
children may react differently to divorce, each age group and developmental
level brings its own set of issues and challenges.
Several factors affect
the way a child reacts to divorce. The most important is the level of conflict
between
parents. Conflicts that begin prior to a divorce, especially uncivil ones,
are likely to make it extremely difficult to adjust and will significantly
prolong that period; it is the beginning of a possible lifelong trauma for the
child.
In some cases, parents
will involve their children in petulant fights and majorly disrupt their
stability and routine as a way of inconveniencing their ex-spouse during heated
custody battles. When former spouses choose to expose their children to constant
fighting and criticism of each other, thinking that it might lead to their
child favoring them, what they are actually doing is damaging the development
of their child and their ability to create
healthy relationships with the
people around them.
Another factor that
goes into the way a child reacts to and deals with a divorce is their
personality. Some children find it easier to make the transition in a more
natural and understanding way, while others will show a greater deal of stress,
tantrums, and withdrawal. In addition, some children are more naturally capable
than others of coping with stress generated by the divorce. However, it is
important to note that if drastic changes in a child’s behaviour remain
persistent for a period longer than six months, parents might need to consider
seeking professional help.
The amount of
information that is given to a child regarding a divorce is another crucial
factor in determining how well they will adjust to it. It is important to know
just the right amount of age-appropriate, useful and supportive information to
provide a child with, without making them aware of court matters and intimate
details of the divorce. What a child does need to have is answers to their
immediate concerns, such as where they are going to live and whether they are
going to stay in the same
school and have the same friends after their parents
separate.
Short-term
effects of divorce on children
The effects divorce can have on a child can be damaging in the short and
long term, manifesting in different areas of their life. Some of the short-term
effects, especially during the first year of divorce, which many consider to be
the hardest, can start with difficulty adapting to change. New dynamics, such
as a possible new living arrangement, can pose an initial threat to the
stability that they relied on for so long. They can become much more
sensitive and
irritable, and experience feelings of anger, loss, confusion, and anxiety
to new heightened levels as a result of feeling overwhelmed with all the new
changes and the pressure of having to adapt.
Depending on a child’s age, their response to a divorce will vary. A
pre-schooler, for example, is too young to understand the concept of divorce,
will not understand why a parent is no longer as much a part of their life, and
might begin to throw tantrums in order to see that parent and become clingy and
overly attached. An elementary schooler can begin to understand that there is
something wrong in their parents’ relationship, but might not understand the
need for a divorce. What a child might begin to fear, however, is that if the
parents are able to stop
loving each other, they might also stop loving their
child.
Preteens might experience feelings of guilt and can begin to blame
themselves for their parents’ divorce, naively assuming that the separation
happened because they have been misbehaving in school or because they have not
been doing their homework.
Other short-term and almost immediate effects are less social and
physical activity and a drop in academic performance. This is largely due to
the child being preoccupied with the thought of the ongoing “battle” between the
parents, as well as the daily interruptions to the routine, which leaves children
distracted and unable to maintain
social relationships. This could also be possible
due to them feeling insecure about their family situation, therefore avoiding
interacting with friends and others around them.
Long-term
effects of divorce on children
The longer the legal
battles and the more uncivil a divorce gets, the higher the likelihood of its
causing long-term effects on children as they grow up.
Starting with
behavioral and
social problems, studies have shown that children of divorce
have a higher tendency of developing aggressive and disobedient traits. Children
of divorce can grow up to develop violent and anti-social behaviour that can
potentially lead to the development of a criminal mindset, leading them to
become social misfits.
Another risk could be
growing up with trust issues and entering troubled and multiple failed
relationships due to the loss of faith in marriage or the
family unit. Some
studies have shown that a child of divorce is two to three times more likely to
end up getting divorced. This, again, is due to the lack of trust in the
foundation of marriage, finding it difficult to resolve conflict, and adopting
a negative mindset at the start of any new relationship.
Divorce
may also increase the risk of developing mental health problems such as
depression and anxiety. Some research has even linked divorce to cases of
bipolar disorder. It can also exacerbate the feelings of loss of general
well-being, as well as deteriorate health.
Children
are resilient and malleable, and can adapt to change, but it is important to
not overestimate their resilience. A child is still a child, and divorce remains
one of the biggest changes that a child may ever experience, which will inevitably
change their life forever.
Making a
child choose between parents is the first step toward hindering growth, leading
to many problems in the future. So, the responsibility falls on the parents
going through a divorce to manage the transition as delicately and smoothly as
possible by maintaining a civil, respectful relationship in front of their
children. Regardless of the situation, children of divorce deserve to be constantly
reassured that, no matter what, they will always remain loved by both of their
parents.
Read more Education
.jpg)
.jpg)
