When Bob Bergeson’s friend invited him to a
Denver Nuggets basketball game with some new pals, he was excited to join in. Sure,
the evening would cost him nearly $400, an amount he would not normally spend.
But Bergeson’s splurge didn’t reflect a slavish devotion to basketball; he
opened his wallet because he felt insecure about his languishing relationship
with his friend, whom he perceived to be getting closer to a new group of
people.
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“He started hanging out with the dads on his daughter’s soccer
team and talking about them fondly, and I thought, ‘Oh, man, he’s kind of got
some new friends,’” Bergeson, 42, a business consultant in Denver, said. “I
needed to insert myself to make sure I still mattered to him.”
Just as you can lose a romantic partner to another person,
“friends can also lose their slot in the best-friend hierarchy,” said Jaimie
Krems, a friendship researcher and assistant professor of psychology at
Oklahoma State University. This fear of being replaced is often born out of
jealousy, Krems said. And one way to cope with it, she added, is by doing
something social scientists refer to as friend guarding — actions like
excessively praising a friend or cutting down a new rival, for example — to
maintain a threatened relationship.
“Like all behaviors, there are good and bad aspects of friend
guarding,” Krems said. Telling your friend how much the relationship means to
you may bolster it, she said, but badmouthing a friend’s new friend might cause
a rift.
Miriam Kirmayer, a friendship expert and clinical
psychologist in Ottawa, Ontario, said feelings of jealousy and envy in friendships were
quite common with her adult clients, but many felt ashamed of those feelings
because they mistook them “as a sign of immaturity.” On the contrary, Kirmayer
said. When handled correctly, jealousy can lead to a deeper understanding of
yourself, and as a result, more fulfilling friendships. Here’s how.
Questions can strengthen a relationship
Feelings of fear, anger, and jealousy often make people
uncomfortable, but like all emotions, they evolved to protect well-being, said
Mark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at
Duke University.
“Negative emotions alert us to potential danger and motivate us to take
preemptive action.”
In truly perilous scenarios — like a pandemic, for instance —
you might cope with your anxiety by wearing a mask and steering clear of
crowds. In less dire situations, like when you think you are on the brink of
losing a friend, you might try to become a better listener or to be more
upbeat.
When feelings of jealousy bubble to the surface, start by
questioning how good of a friend you’ve really been. You might ask yourself,
“What kind of friend do I want to be?” And perhaps, the answer will help steer
you toward traits that foster acceptance by your social circle, like more
compassion and generosity.
Identifying the origins of your feelings can also help you
pinpoint potential triggers that may make jealousy worse. If you are already
second-guessing yourself at work, for instance, you might assume a turned-down
dinner invitation is a sign of a friend pulling away. In other instances,
unhealed wounds from childhood — growing up with inconsistent caregivers, for
example — can make you more sensitive to rejection as an adult.
To identify these potential triggers, ask yourself questions
like “What past experiences might this feeling be linked to?” and “Is my
jealousy triggered by circumstances in my own life?” Kirmayer suggested.
Instead of letting jealousy elicit knee-jerk negative responses
like leveling accusations, you might see the emotion as a signal to talk with
your friend or to work through some issues on your own.
We rarely ask ourselves, “What should I expect out of a really
good friendship?” Leary said. But stating your needs and developing boundaries
can solidify trust, which helps build more mature friendships.
The truth is not always clear
When jealousy swells, it can be easy to assume there is
something wrong with you. But in most cases, this is far from the truth. “Even
though our feelings are real, our brains aren’t always objective
truth-tellers,” said Joel Minden, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at
California State University, Chico, and the author of “
Show Your Anxiety Who’s Boss”.
To manage self-critical thoughts, he said, take a step back and
see if there is another way to understand the situation. If your best friend
cancels your weekly phone date to have dinner with a new pal, you might assume
it is because you’re a downer or a bad friend. But ask yourself if there’s any
evidence for or against that belief, or if there’s “another explanation for
your friend’s behavior that’s more realistic,” Minden advised.
Replacing negative thoughts with more useful ones can ease the
emotional weight that hurtful assumptions can bring, Minden added. For example,
“my friend needs different kinds of friends” is an easier pill to swallow than
“my friend is replacing me.”
Reframe negative thoughts
Another way to thwart the negative feelings of jealousy is to
find small ways to be happy for your friend, said Sara Konrath, an empathy
researcher at
Indiana University. Instead of ruminating on how a buddy’s new
friendship with someone else affects you, think, “I’m really happy that she has
somebody else she feels connected to,” Konrath suggested. When we prioritize
empathy in friendships, reminders of how much our friends mean to us and how
much we mean to them can temper jealous feelings.
As for Bergeson, he had a great time at the game. And those
feelings of jealousy ended up being short-lived. “My friend made sure I was
enjoying myself,” he said, “and this relieved my worries about possibly losing
him to a new crowd.”
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