Pain comes in many shapes and forms, but pain brought on by
another person you love or trust can be the most difficult of all. This type of
pain can linger and steep, turning into resentment, bitterness, anger, and even
hatred.
اضافة اعلان
Although it may be difficult to move on from an
emotional wound, holding on to negative and dark feelings will only hurt you
more in the long run. The solution is to learn forgiveness — a useful tool in
improving your relationships with others and your personal well-being.
What is forgiveness?
Different definitions exist
for the term “forgiveness”, but generally speaking, it refers to intentionally
letting go of negative feelings such as resentment and anger. Although the act
or event that caused the pain in the first place may still impact you, working
to forgive can help reduce some of its effects.
However, it is important to note that forgiveness
does not mean forgetting or excusing what was done. Forgiveness is simply a
means to help you let go of some of the pain you experienced, bring peace back
to your life, and work to repair a relationship that has been damaged.
Benefits of forgiving
When you cannot forgive,
this can bring anger and bitterness into your relationships. For existing
relationships, you may develop a shorter fuse and become angry easily or have a
disproportionate reaction to small things. It may also become difficult to form
new relationships and you may have difficulty trusting. Additionally, holding a
grudge can give you a negative view of the world, which can increase the
likelihood of certain conditions such as depression or anxiety.
Learning to forgive can have a profound impact on
your life. Although there may be physical pain associated with what occurred,
forgiveness can help you heal and unburden yourself of some, if not all, of the
emotional pain. In addition, through forgiveness, the practice of kindness and
compassion can spread to the other relationships in your life.
Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation, even in
cases where you need to avoid contact with another person. For those
relationships that continue, there is a chance they may not be the same again.
However, in cases where resolution is possible, forgiving opens the door to
repair what was damaged and provides an opportunity for mutual learning and
growth.
Learning to forgive can have a profound impact on your life. Although there may be physical pain associated with what occurred, forgiveness can help you heal and unburden yourself of some, if not all, of the emotional pain.
Lastly, forgiveness has positive effects on physical
health. Negative emotions, particularly sadness and anger, place the body under
stress. Prolonged stress caused by these emotions can cause muscle tension,
heart problems, and decreased immune function. Therefore, forgiving can reduce
blood pressure and anxiety, while also improving self-esteem and sleep.
The proven methods
It is first important to
recognize that you are forgiving the other person for your sake, not theirs. If
others, such as friends or family, are pressuring you to forgive, then it is
likely that little benefit will come. It should be your decision and done for
your own sake.
The process of forgiving someone can be long and
difficult. Fortunately, many research-based programs have been designed to
help. One such program is the Nine Steps to Forgiveness, developed by Dr Fred
Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, who spent
decades studying and teaching forgiveness. The program helps individuals who have
been hurt to let go of pain and negative emotions, and the steps involve
gaining perspective, practicing stress management, and adjusting expectations,
among other processes.
A similar program, the 20-Step Forgiveness Process
Model, was developed by Dr Robert Enright, who published the method in a book
title “Forgiveness is a Choice”. The process consists of 20 steps divided into
four phases. The first phase is the uncovering phase, during which the
individual must reflect and become aware of the emotions and pain caused by the
event. Next comes the decision phase, when the individual should realize that
holding on to pain is causing more harm than good. During the decision phase, a
person should make the choice of their own free will to use forgiveness as a
means to heal.
The third phase is the work phase, when the
individual actively works on forgiving. The main way that this is accomplished
is through understanding the offender’s viewpoint and motivations, and the
context that contributed to the event. The purpose of this step is not to
minimize the actions of the offender, but to instead humanize them and offer an
opportunity to practice compassion and empathy. Through this process, the pain
and resentment will hopefully begin to lessen. The final phase is the outcome
or deepening phase, which provides a chance to reflect on the entire event. It
should help the person realize the positive impacts of forgiveness and identify
any life lessons learned.
Another forgiveness program is known as the REACH model.
The REACH model was originally developed by Dr Everett Worthington and is
composed of five steps. The first step is to “recall the hurt” while trying to
visualize the event, being as objective as possible. The next step is
“empathize”, involving understanding the other person’s viewpoint. The third
step is called “altruistic gift”, and it requires you to give the person who
hurt you the gift of forgiveness, to help the transgressor. In the next step,
“commit”, you must make a commitment to forgiveness, most affectively
accomplished by publicly forgiving the person who hurt you. The final step,
“hold”, requires you to hold on to forgiveness even as feelings and memories
resurface.
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