Amman – How can a person hold enough wisdom to show others the way out, yet stand helpless before the very doors they urge others to walk through? How can they see clearly what others should do, while drowning in hesitation whenever life puts them before the same test?
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A person can be wise in other people's lives and lost in their own. They see what others cannot, put a finger on the flaws in their relationships and decisions, and then, when the same situations touch their own lives, find themselves unable to take a single step of the advice they gave with such confidence.
From her own experience, Sally Khalil, 30, feels that giving advice to others may be easier, because the person sees others' options from the outside without bearing the responsibility of deciding for them. When they face the same situation, however, they may hesitate between what they know is right for them, what they want, what they fear losing and what they are used to.
Akram Jihad believes the situation is different when a person faces the problem in their own life. A decision that seems logical when advising others may mean, for them, a loss they fear or outcomes they cannot guarantee.
He points out that a person may know what harms them, yet still cling to the good parts of their life. They may realise that change is necessary, but fear the unknown and giving up what they are used to, even if it is slowly draining them.
At this point they begin to hesitate, trying to persuade themselves to wait a little, give another chance, or look for a different explanation, postponing the decision until they feel more ready.
Dr Hanin Al-Bitoush, a psychological, family and educational consultant, sees a paradox worth reflecting on in human nature. A person may be very perceptive in understanding other people's problems, able to identify where their behaviour goes wrong and persuasive in the advice they give, yet when they face a similar situation in their own life, they find themselves torn between options that seemed clear when they applied to someone else.
She explains that a person may advise a friend to stay away from what harms them, then find themselves clinging to things that do not give them peace. They may blame others for decisions they consider wrong, while making excuses for themselves when they make the same mistakes. They may realise that staying in a certain situation increases their suffering, yet delay changing it, as if waiting for an outside event to relieve them of the responsibility of deciding.
Al-Bitoush explains that understanding these questions requires viewing the person as a being not governed by rational calculation alone. Their choices are shaped by their memories, emotions, beliefs and family relationships, as well as the social and economic conditions in which they live.
A decision may be clear in principle, she says, but extremely difficult in practice, because its consequences do not stop at the situation itself. They may extend to relationships built over years, to a sense of security the person has grown used to, and to an image they have built of themselves that they fear losing.
She notes that it is relatively easy to judge a situation that one does not have to live with. When someone describes a problem they are going through, the listener hears the facts, compares the options and reaches conclusions that may seem logical and direct. But they do not necessarily share the feelings of the person with the problem, do not always know how deeply that person is attached to the people or circumstances involved, and do not live through the fear and hesitation that accompany it.
When the person is the one with the problem, Al-Bitoush says, the picture changes. They face not only the facts but also what those facts mean to them. Admitting they chose the wrong person or made the wrong decision can feel like admitting they misjudged, ignored clear signs, or wasted time and effort that could have been invested better.
For this reason, Al-Bitoush sees that some people defend their choices even after signs have emerged that call for reviewing them. They may look for reasons to soften the blow of their mistake, focus on the aspects that support their position, or downplay what contradicts their convictions. This is not always deliberate or a wish to deceive others, she says, but may be an attempt to protect themselves from the feeling of failure or embarrassment.
Sociologist Fadia Ibrahim says that from a sociological perspective, the gap between a person's ability to give advice to others and their sometimes-failure to apply it in their own life reveals a gap between awareness and behaviour, shaped by psychological, social and cultural factors. When a person looks at someone else's problem, they can see it from the outside, whereas in their own decisions their feelings, fears, commitments and expectations of the future are all intertwined.
Ibrahim notes that people tend to explain other people's mistakes by their decisions, while explaining their own mistakes by the circumstances they went through. They see the consequences of others' decisions, but live through the details and complexities of their own. This reveals a double standard, which can make a person harsher when judging others and more lenient with themselves.
How does others' talk affect decisions?
Society is an important reference in shaping an individual's behaviour, and the way others look at us can become pressure that limits our freedom to choose. Many people hesitate to take necessary decisions for fear of criticism, losing social standing or facing prejudice. A person may choose to stay in a situation that does not make them comfortable, not because they are convinced of it, but because the cost of confronting society seems greater than the cost of bearing their suffering.
Ibrahim explains that a person may advise someone to take a particular decision while ignoring their fears, family responsibilities or financial circumstances, and when that person cannot carry it out, judges them rather than trying to understand their situation.
Here, Ibrahim says, the difference between genuine empathy and conditional empathy appears. Empathy does not just mean offering a solution, but standing with a person through the difficulties that stop them from reaching it.
Ibrahim points out that the spread of social media has widened the culture of advice and motivational phrases, making it easier to express wisdom than to practise it. But having knowledge does not mean having the ability to apply it. Change requires self-reflection, courage and readiness to bear the consequences.
She says the gap often lies between knowing what is right and being able to act on it. A person may know what they need to change, yet fear loneliness, loss, social rejection or uncertainty. So they do not always need more advice, but may need support, confidence, time and the circumstances that help them make the decision.
She believes building a society that supports the individual begins with moving from a culture of blame to a culture of understanding and support, and from passing judgment to trying to understand the circumstances behind other people's decisions, alongside providing family, social and psychological support to those facing fateful decisions.
She stresses that a supportive society does not remove the individual's responsibility for their decisions, but it does not leave them alone to face the consequences. Wisdom is not limited to giving advice; it also means recognising how hard that advice is to follow when the decision concerns one's own life, and understanding the circumstances of those who face such decisions.
